Ugh. Drama. One minute we have a good converstaion, exchange a few civil e-mails. The next he's making nasty comments on my LJ about my younger sister and then deleting me from his friends list? Doesn't make sense. The other way around would, but not him deleting me.

Again. Ugh.

Last night Emily and I sat on the steps of the compound, talking about everything that's happened with the boy and I. She posed a question that I had asked myself a few times, but had never been able to answer. She asked if I would ever give a relationship with him another go, should the opportunity arise.

The ultra-logical, common sense side of my brain said no, I wouldn't. There would be too much baggage; too little trust. Then I paused and thought on it for a moment, realizing that such a situation would be one where you can say how you would react as much as you want, but once it actually happened, there's no telling what you would do.

It's been on my mind constantly since last night. It goes well with my recent remniscent state of mind. "To good memories", his last e-mail said. We spoke a few days ago. His voice was like liquid gold to my ears. There wasn't any awkwardness. I could tell he was hurting; that it would be incredibly easy for him to pour out all his recent heartaches and struggles with depression. We talked for a little while. After we hung up, I realized, I really have forgiven him for everything he did and the pain he caused. It really wasn't that difficult. The good things he did for me far outweighed the bad. The bad are hurting him more now than they did me.

This morning I was packing. I found a bottle of cologne I got him for Christmas. It was backordered, and didn't come in the mail until well after Christmas and well after the end of our relationship. I had thought about sending it to him for his birthday. But it never happened. I also found his green sweater and t-shirt that I snagged that last week in Dallas. I knew, despite his reassuring words that things would be exactly the same, that we were coming to an end. I wanted something that smelled like him. Something that I could touch. When I found them this morning, they had fallen down between my bed and the wall.

Sitting on my bed, his sweater on my lap and the scent of his cologne waifing around me, I realized, I'd still do anything for him. I would give a relationship with him another go in a heartbeat. I would do anything to aid in his happiness, and make his life a little better.

And I realized that I still love him. As much as I did during the best times in our relationship. I haven't moved on. The searing pain is just gone. And I've come to terms with the fact that he isn't mine to love anymore. However unhappy she may make him, he chose her. That's the only change.

Lately, I've found that its best to stay as busy as possible. I've spent most of my time lately at the compound, helping with the demolition and reconstruction of the basement apartment. Last night Joe took out the stairs. Today we're rebuilding walls, putting in a spiral staircase and probably 10 other things. So far I've just sanded and spackled walls and swept up rat poison. Waiting for Joe and Meridith to get back from Home Depot now.

Even with staying busy doing the basement apartment, I've still had a lot of time to think. What else is there to do while sanding and spackling walls?

It's amazing how life turns out absolutely nothing like you ever expected it would. We continually find ourselves in neverending states of limbo, sticky situations and broken relationships. Instead of feeling content and happy, we feel depressed and trapped. We feel alone even in the company of others, misunderstood by the people we cohabitate with and generally very unhealthy and old beyond our years. We feel left for dead; like pages fallen from a book and left to be trampled on and torn.

There is one thing that is always consistent. Even in the worst of situations, there is always an exit; an out. It's simply a matter of what we are willing to give up at that point in time, in order to better our future and overall health. I've yet to see a situation without an escape. And I've definitely seen a lot of sticky situations. There are always options. Quite often more than we first realize.

I honest to God don't know what to think about anything anymore. One minute I'm getting e-mails accusing me of shit-talking about him 24/7, the next I'm getting one calling truce and apologizing, then again I'm getting one involving accusations of having said something to her about him that I never said at all. And then he gets pissed off and mad when I'm appalled that he's going to just let it all slide. Excuse me? He wasn't going to let me shit-talking slide until I proved that I never did. So why does it all get to slide for her? Because she's pregnant? Yeah. That means she can do or say anything she wants and get away with it, apparently.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be drug around in her lies anymore. I hate it. It's pissing me off and upsetting me, and I have no idea what to do about it. I'm caught in the middle. Did he really expect me to drop it after being accused of saying the things I was? Either way the outcome totally sucks ass.

And he said I was the one with the horrible mood swings. I do believe he's successfully proven that it's both of us.

With all this shit going on, I think it's totally understandable that I'm not over everything that happened.

Maybe we're best close to the ground.
Maybe angels drag us down.
I wonder which part of this will leave the scar.

Dip your hands in colours
while the young night flutters in on you and
finger paint me pictures of all you see.
No matter what they say, you'll always be
faithfully dangerous, lost and lovely,
so beautiful to me.
I'm not too blind to see.
#

You know that phrase, "Curiosity killed the cat"? Yeah. I'm definitely that cat. I know I shouldn't be reading any of what she bothers to put online, especially considering the fact that the majority of it makes no sense at all or takes forever to read because you end up reconstructing her sentences. But I know it's there. And I just can't not read it.

I just hope that the picture of a house she has up isn't one that they bought. It's new and perfectly manicured with white sidewalks, a perfect lawn and a BMW in the carport. Void of originality and character. It is suburban, and suburbia is a life-sucking, culture destorying symbol of mediocre white America.

He wrote fiction that mocked suburbia; he ranted and raved about how he hated it and had no desire or interest to reside anywhere similar to it.

Ugh. This just hasn't been my day.

It's ironic, really. We aren't together, but I still find myself making sacrifices and decisions based around the boy, and the way said decisions will impact him.

If only he could have been that considerate a few months ago.

Back to square one for the day. Fuck.

It's four and a half hours later, and I'm feeling a little better. I did what he always told me to do (and if we were together made me do). I got dressed, went and got coffee and got out of the apartment. For the last few hours I've been sitting in the library, armed with textbooks on media theories and a very large coffee. The first CD he ever made me is playing in the headphones. I'm still feeling shitty, but at least it's nostalgic and not just shitty shitty.

That's an improvement, right?

It's only 6am, and this morning has been absolutely terrible. You'd think that after fourish months, I'd be past this. But all I've wanted all morning is to just dial his number and hear his voice on the other end. I hate myself for so badly wanting something that I can't have.

Last night a friend of mine who has gone through an equally terrible break-up told me to not move on until I felt ready. To just let myself process things as they came, and not let anyone tell me I should be moving on when I'm just not ready. My question is this. Is anyone ever ready to move on from the person they still love? And how is it that I still love him so much, and would do so much for him, despite the fact that he lied to, cheated on, betrayed, used and manipulated me?

It just doesn't make sense. I want there to be a giant red "OFF" button.