There are a few things about myself that I very much dislike, and they are both things that continually cause problems within the context of a relationship.

At the first sign of conflict that I didn't initiate (although it's very rare that I initiate it to begin with), I clam up. That's it. Communication over. I'm like a turtle that retreats back into her shell at lightning speed at the first sign of something distasteful. On one level, I fucking hate that. On another, I hate conflict, because most conflict I've experienced is hurtful. I'm overly sensitive. I don't do harsh words well.

The other thing is my total lack of ability to communicate sometimes. I know what's going on in my head. I have plenty to say. I just can't seem to get the words out. To form cohesive verbal communication. This goes hand-in-hand with my mood swings. I can't seem to communicate them. I don't even understand them myself, half the time. Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering in this total otherworld of my own mind.

These are two of the larger reason I never had a long-term relationship before this. Nobody could stick with me long enough to see if these are things I'm capable of working on and overcoming. Which makes it all the more difficult, because I become paranoid regarding these two aspects. Paranoid that he'll leave me for the same reasons.