One of the shittiest realizations lately is this. As much as I care about him, and as much as I'd still do anything for him, I can't be involved in his life on any direct level, thanks to situations and circumstances that were predicted.

Okay. This is just stupid.

Read.

If he really disagreed with me, he would have an intelligent response, or would at least feel the desire to say something.

She, on the other hand, obviously didn't understand what the hell we were talking about. Wasn't it obvious we were talking about the dynamics of a relationship, and not the natural order of things? Nothing she said even made a fucking bit of sense.

So...Some of the new pictures online. I figured they were old, because she definitely ISN'T pregnant in them. But they were taken on May 21st? With a camera that isn't Daniels. When he might have been out of town (some of them definitely)? Is there something nobody's telling me?

It makes me sick, to think that while I was falling to pieces here in California, downing wine sitting on my bed; knives lined up in front of me, they were galavanting around Dallas totally infatuated with each other. It wasn't even infatuation. Lust. That's all it was.

While I was sitting in Florida, hardly able to get out of bed, she was moving into OUR apartment and attending gallery events with him.

Obviously today has been a really rough day. Lots of dust and memories stired up in the moving process. More pictures online over the weekend. Psychotic IM's and the thought of him talking to our friends in Florida about her.

God, I hate that I still love him. I hate that our lives overlap so much.

I'm feeling like I should have gone to Dallas to chase my demons before this move. I'm restless. I'm remembering his smell, and the sound of his voice yesterday was like music. The ease at which we carried on conversation, as if nothing had happened, was amazing and totally horrible, all at the same time. I felt the loss all over again, and felt hatred towards her that rivals that of only a few people on this earth. It probably even goes beyond the level of my hatred for his former wife.

UGH. I need a hug and a very strong drink.